Anonymous Racer X: On My Way to Green Bay to Meet the Packers Bikini Girls

After seeing the Packers Bikini Girls bravely putting their bodies on the line to support their team in the subzero temperatues on the frozen tundra in Green Bay on Sunday, I've decided that the X-Man needs to meet these three lovely ladies in person. Clearly we're kindred souls, united by a drive to push our bodies to the limit, to embrace the absolute extremes in life.

For the long drive up north, I have stocked the Rover with a cooler full of Red Bull, four water bottles of lemon lime Accelerade, a box of GU and six Clif Bars. I'll wear nothing but a cheesehead hat and my Borat, Packers-green "mankini" Speedo — the same one that helped me place 39th in my age group at Memphis in May last year. I believe this will instantly identify the X-Man to the Bikini Girls as a trusted friend and soul mate.

Because I'm worried about the health of these gals — and because I like to party — I plan to bring lots of Vaseline, Body Glide, Under Armour and nip guards. I'll offer them a seminar on protecting themselves while training or supporting the home team in inclement weather, seek out a masters swim session in Green Bay, and then invite the Bikini Girls back to my room at the Motel 6 to view my collection of race hardware and watch my personalized DVD from Ironman Arizona 2004. I DNF'ed at mile four of the bike because I felt like my potassium levels were low and just didn't want to risk it, but they'll be able to catch a glimpse of me during the swim.

I told Halii I needed to go to a meeting in Green Bay to discuss a deal involving my Race Hardware Maximizer with an investor. With any luck, I'll bring back a Packers Bikini Girl. Or even just a bikini. Wish me luck, playas.

Later,
Racer X

Anonymous Racer X: Bike Century Tug of War

When I challenged Ty to a bike tug of war after I overheard him bragging about his wind-aided bike split at Kona, he had no idea what he was in for. He may have won this battle shown on the video below — that's me bringing up the rear, still fighting against him for the entire 100 miles — but I will win the war when we face off again at Pigman this summer. I blame my subpar leg strength on Laterrii's rancid pasta broccoli that turned into a carbo 'unload' the night before. I asked for my key back — and the $17.64 I spent buying groceries for the meal she butchered. There really is no price I can put on losing the bike tug of war to Ty, but I have asked my attorney to think about assigning one as part of the legal action I'm planning to initiate. Clearly somebody needs to teach her a life lesson about the critical importance of cooking for endurance athletes.



Later,
Racer X

Anonymous Racer X: Does the Aquaduct Have an Aerobars Option?

Dude, I can't even count how many times I have been out riding a double century in some remote jungle and desperately needed a mobile filtration system. This Aquaduct bike would totally rock if it came with some aerobars. I wonder if John Cobb would help fit me with some before Wildflower?



Later,
Racer X

Anonymous Racer X: Call Me

With the half marathon and marathon taking place in exactly 12 weeks, I knew that all the new young running femininas would be out in force at the park this morning. Why? Because experienced racers like myself know the typical newbie follows a 12-week plan. Me? I'm in week 45 of my half marathon plan, which I adapted from Peter Reid's 2003 Ironman World Championship-winning training plan, but that's neither here nor there.

Anyway, despite the 13 degree temperature and biting northwest wind, I decided to schedule a 24-mile run so that I'd be out long enough to assess the current crop of femininas — and to give them all the opportunity to assess the X-Man's body. As usual, I wore the shirt with my cell phone number printed on the front as my outer layer and deleted all my old saved voice mails to make room for the typical influx of messages.

We'll see how it goes. If none of these newbies pan out, I received a complimentary and, reading between the lines a little, extremely suggestive email this week from long-time X-Man groupie and FOA Susii Q. So, depending on her most recent 10-K time — I still require documentation that any feminina I date has broken 45 minutes (45:30 for natural blondes) within the past 12 months — Susii could be the perfect fallback.

Call me,
Racer X

Anonymous Racer X: Seeing Red Over Orange

It's over. Against my clear and strong advice, Lacii went and bought a new pair of lightweight orange Brooks Burn trainers to wear for our Tues.-Thurs. speedwork sessions at the track. How can I be seen with her in my canary yellow Land Rover if she's wearing those bright orange shoes? Dude, the color clash is unbearable!

So the X-Man is breaking up with her after Masters swimming tonight (Why ruin an important workout by doing it beforehand?). It's definitely for the best, as I've been pondering ways to make the move to her twin sister, Macii, ever since Macii nipped Lacii at the finish line of last week's Snowball Series 16K . It’s technically not Lacii's fault that guy tripped her, but those kinds of horrible memories just don't go away.

Later,
Racer X

Anonymous Racer X: Resolution and Conflict

When I make a New Year's Resolution I keep it. That supreme dedication and iron will, along with my canary yellow Land Rover and matching I-dot tattoo, has become an X-Man trademark.

In 2008 I resolved not to take the elevator to or from my 11th floor office at the Globo-Corp headquarters tower for an entire year. Desirii's detailed calculations showed that taking the stairs every trip would help me burn enough calories to drop 2.8 lbs. by 2009. Dude, I paid north of $6K to shave that much weight off my new titanium Serotta frame.

Yesterday when I was walking into the building from teaching three back-to-back-to-back lunchtime spin classes, Robert from HR asked me how my 2008 race season was shaping up. To give him the proper context for this year, of course I first had to go back to my DNF at Wildflower in 1999 and take him through my DNS due to gout at Kona last fall. As I was explaining to Robert the magical feeling of the lava fields along the Queen K Highway and gently pointing out that he will never know how it feels, I stepped onto the elevator and the doors closed.

"Nooooo!" I screamed, as the elevator began to ascend and I realized my 2008 resolution had just gone up (literally) in smoke.

Robert couldn't have expected the swift, hard kidney punch that he received, but he couldn't prove it, either, because it left no marks and there were no witnesses. I can only hope that in the future he'll be more discreet with his questions.

Later,
Racer X

Anonymous Racer X: Fluid Replacement Sabotage

When I took a run break at the Rover to replenish after my first six-mile loop yesterday, I reached into my gym bag to down much-needed gulps of the 64-ounce bottle of orange Gatorade I had purchased on the way to the park that morning. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that the previously unopened bottle was bone dry, with the former contents drained into my bag, soaking the assortment of cycling, swimming, weightlifting and yoga clothes I had packed for my post-run workout while also robbing me of the critical fuel I needed to complete my scheduled 24-mile run.

WTF, man? Did I loosen the cap and take a swig in the QuikTrip parking lot before tossing the bottle into my bag? I have to admit I was blurry-eyed from my late-night rendezvous with Randii – we caught a midnight Pink Floyd "The Wall" laserium show before heading back to my condo -- but the idea that I would make that type of newbie mistake seems highly improbable.

Because I never lock my car doors – people around here know better than to mess with the X-Man's ride – my thoughts naturally turned to drink sabotage. Did Ty's grandmother really die or was that just a convenient excuse not to show up for our run – thus freeing him to ruin my workout by eliminating my fluid replacement source while also soaking my clothes? I'm not one to make unsubstantiated allegations, but those footprints in the mud by the Rover sure looked like they came from Ty's trademark size 12 white and blue Saucony ProGrid Trigon 5 racing shoes.

I guess I can't prove anything -- yet -- but if Ty beats me in the Frostbite series 20K this weekend then I will have to say something because that victory definitely would be tainted.

Later,
Racer X

Anonymous Racer X: Pinned-Up Aggression

Shout out to Globo-Corp: A 50ish white guy in a three-piece suit just called from 1987: He wants his logo lapel pin back. Mucho thanks for the holiday gift, but next time just lay the $1.99 on me and remember that, apart from 9-5 on Monday through Friday (and during my M-W-F lunchtime spin classes), I'm sponsored by Team Compound W (unlimited free wart removal formula), not you. Damn, man, Christii got an iTouch from her firm. Though maybe I can use this stupid pin to close the hole on my favorite Sugoi cycling pants so I can wear them next week for the Team CW's Polar Bear ride.

Later,
Racer X

Anonymous Racer X: The (Fast) Doctor Is In

This New York Times article about athletes seeking out doctors who are athletes too makes me feel vindicated for dropping Dr. Rowan after he went over 14 hours at Ironman Wisconsin. Darcii may only be a second-year student at veterinary school, but it just feels right for my doctor to be a babe who can go sub-11:00 at Ironman even on a bad day — and look hot doing it. And, knock on wood, her last treatment definitely solved my flea problem.

Later,
Racer X