Things You Can't Do When You're Not in a Pool

Lance Armstrong: Spycyclist?

Now there are accusations that Lance Armstrong could be the mystery hacker of the French anti-doping laboratory — and that he previously hacked into the computers of Betsy Andreu, his ex-wife, and others. Cyclingnews.com story.

I can't prove it, but I also believe Lance could be the one who poisoned former Russian spy Alexander Litvinenko with polonium-210.

McSweeney's List: Potential Nicknames for the Star Player on My Son's Soccer Team

The Boy Who'd Better Stop Pissing Off the Snack Mom
Jesus, Will You Pass It Already?

List.

Race Report: Great River Road Run (10M)

November 25, 2006, Alton, Illinois

Since JPD has been taking a well-deserved break from racing — and thus from writing his always compelling race reports for Activeness! — I thought I'd try to fill the void by contributing one from the Great River Road Run last Saturday.

Unlike JPD and Anonymous Racer X, I gave up my dreams of chasing age-group hardware years ago. Hey, I collected a third-place age-group trophy at a half marathon in Belleville in the mid-90s. My trophy case is full. So here's my report from the middle of the pack.

This 10-mile race starts in downtown Alton and covers a flat out-and-back course on the Great River Road along the Mississippi River. I've run it many times over the years and, except for failing to clear out a lane for the fastest runners coming back against the masses, the organizers do a nice job. I like the 10-mile distance (right when it starts hurting the race is over), the unique river scenery, and the late 10 A.M. start.

I don't race much anymore, but what I do still love about races is being surrounded by so many healthy, fit, upbeat people who have voluntarily come together at an inconvenient time and location to break out of their comfort zones and push themselves to their absolute physical limits. It's an addictive vibe that you just can't replicate at the mall, in the office, in the dome watching a Rams game, at church — anywhere.

My race report for Alton starts 25 years ago. Rewind to a ragtag group of high school kids and an oddly muscular Catholic priest in his mid-30s playing tackle football on a cool Thanksgiving morning. A quarter of a century later, we've dropped the priest, who was known for his cheap shots and bone-crunching tackles — man, you didn't want to get in that guy's sights — but the annual Turkey Day game remains one of the few traditions in my life. About a dozen of us still get together every Thanksgiving morning for a game of touch football. No phone calls or emails, no time checks, no planning: whoever's in town just shows up at the designated spot. Martin brings the donuts. Two hours later we head home, way too sore and exhausted to stress about family get-togethers.

For the past several years, my main goal in this game has been to not get hurt. I stretch a little, run 6-8 miles beforehand, and hope that another year of weightlifting will protect me. None of that ever works. This year, as with every other, I limped away vowing to never play again, this time nursing a badly strained hip flexor and an aching back from various ill-advised collisions with other old men. And what happened to my speed? I believe my fasttwitch muscles began vanishing about the time Ronald Reagan left office. Today, that cupboard is bare. "Two years ago, John catches up to that ball and makes the catch," said Brother of Activeness! (BOA) Brian after one failed deep pattern. Ouch.

For the rest of Thanksgiving day I had serious trouble with the most basic movements. "You want me to get out of this chair? OK, give me a few minutes." I took a bath for the first time in 30 years (I'm not big on soaking in my own waste.).

On Friday I shuffled into the hot tub at the Y and squeezed in alongside some giggling 16-year-old kids and an annoyed 80-year-old woman. Sweet! Later that afternoon, a hotly contested one-on-one backyard soccer game with my five-year-old, who couldn't understand why Dad wouldn't run and instead kept clutching and grabbing, pretty much undid all my progress. But by Saturday morning I felt a little better, so I made the 45-minute trek to Alton to find out what would happen.

Standing at the start line talking to friends, somebody said the race had begun and 1,000 people walked toward the line. I had no idea if my legs would allow me to run 7-, 8-, or 9-minute miles — or if I'd be trudging back to the auditorium to eat donuts. The adrenaline of competing in a race must have kicked in, because my legs slowly awoke. I eased through the first mile in a little less than eight minutes. Better than expected.

There's not much to report about the race, which might explain why I never write race reports. It was warm: 60s and sunny. There goes Chris…Hey Pete…How in the world did Bob get so fast?...Good job, Liz…Keep it up, Sean...Wonder what's wrong with Nicole? There's Mr. SwimBikeRun StLouis on his bike, skillfully snapping pics of the runners while riding hands-free. Not a big deal for a guy who just conquered a 500-mile race.

As my legs and back loosened up, each mile split time was progressively faster. That's a first. By mile 10, I was able to get it down to a 6:57 — exactly the same mile 10 split as last year, which I remember because I was so elated with going sub-seven that I saved it on my watch for two months. Overall, I finished about 20 seconds faster than in 2005. I'll take it.

I ran most of the race alone, as there weren't any packs forming around me. The last five miles after the turnaround were straight into a mild headwind, which offered some relief from the heat. I never thought I would have needed sunscreen in late-November. A guy who looked to be in my increasingly graying age group began drafting off me in the last few miles, and we leapfrogged back and forth a few times. He kept drafting but, to get into his head, I'd run next to instead of behind him after he passed. You may need me but I don't need you. And I don't like your perfect tan and haircut!

At about mile 9, Chris, who I had trailed by two minutes at the mile 5 turnaround, came into sight. I dug deep and tried to reel in the rabbit, dropping well-groomed Drafting Guy for good. Chris had his own strong kick and runner's intuition that someone was coming, though, and I couldn't make the catch.

As I silently congratulated myself for such a powerful sprint to the line, a 20-something waif of a woman cruised past me and glided into the chute.

"Way to go," I said.

"You too."

See you in Alton next year. This time I'll be ready because I swear I'm skipping that stupid football game.

How I Lost My Softride at Ironman Amazon Rainforest

Hash House Harriers and Kenyans

Hash House Harriers use "booze and friendship to take the pain out of running." Story.

More serious runners can, for just $3,900, train in Kenya with some of the country's elite runners for 10 days. There will be no beer.

Activating Fat Cyclist

Fat Cyclist, where have you been all these years? Now that I've found you, let's never part. Smart, funny writing — Fatty's got game. (And suddenly I'm thirsty for a Fat Tire.)

Meanwhile, trash picker-uppers who dropped Bud Light bottles out of my recycling bin and left all the shattered glass on the street exactly in front of my driveway as if waiting for me to ride my bike through them on my way home today — it worked. If it weren't for my superhuman vision and cat-like reflexes, I'd have two flats. You have been Deactivated.

Skin Deep

So a scientific study reports marathon runners are at a higher risk for skin cancer. OK, it's a good reminder to always wear sunscreen — even in late November if you're running around here lately. In other breaking news from the world of science, there's a theory being kicked around that marathon runners reportedly go through more pairs of shoes and tend to be thinner. We'll have more as that develops.

Deactivating a Rude Runner

To the Guy in Green Who Ran Over Friend of Activeness (FOA) Elizabeth on the out-and-back course at Saturday's 10-mile race in Alton, Illinois: You have been Deactivated. Three things:

1. You may have been in second place, but it wasn't exactly the Olympic Trials and there was no money at stake.

2. Watch where you're going.

3. Say you're sorry after you blast into a woman a foot shorter than you and knock her to the ground.

Tyler Hamilton Signs With Russian Team

After sitting out two years in a doping suspension, Tyler Hamilton signed with the Russian-owned Tinkoff Credit Systems cycling team. The team isn't exactly the USPS or CSC, but it's good to see the 35-year-old back.

Sarah Haskins Aims for Olympic Triathlon

St. Louisan Sarah Haskins, 25, is the No. 2-ranked U.S. woman in the Olympic distance triathlon.

He Fought the Treadmill...

...and the treadmill won. CollegeHumor.com video.

A Candid Interview With Anonymous Racer X

You are nearing your 100th attempted triathlon. How will you commemorate reaching the century mark?
I plan to play "Celebration" on my boombox in the transition area as I lick alcohol-free champagne off Mindii's navel. Then we'll go to Appleby's for a nutritious early lunch. Sort of like a brunch.

How important has good nutrition been to your success as a triathlete?
That's like asking how important drugs have been to the comedic stylings of Andy Dick or to the musical genius that is Courtney Love. Or how important Scooby Snacks were to Scooby Doo in solving mysteries. Gotta feed the engine, man. It's inevitable.

A lot of people have noticed that you immediately eat all your leftover GUs and energy bars after every race.
Yes. There are people starving in the world, which I just hate. So I can't, in good conscience, waste food. Ever.

As part of your your 100 attempted races, you have 67 DNFs. Two words: What happened?
If I could abolish one phrase from the parlance of the triathlon world, it would be "DNF." Did not finish. Sorry, but... isn't it worse not to even start than not to finish? I mean, anyone can not start. It takes a special mentality to get off the couch and absorb 67 near-successes. And if you don't understand that, then you might as well stay on the couch. Why am I even talking to you? Go back to the couch!

A lot of people noticed you didn't wear shoes or socks during the entire Ironman Florida race. Why not?
Great question. It started back at Ironman Korea, when, to conserve time, I did not put on socks in the swim-bike transition. I ended up saving about 30 seconds with that little move in T1. And I would have PR'ed on the bike if it weren't for the blisters I got on my feet at mile 85. But, the point is, without socks, I didn't feel right about wearing my cycling or running shoes. I'm sure you'd agree that shoes and socks pretty much go together. So you can see I had no choice but to go barefoot in Florida.


Anonymous Racer X encounters trouble on the bike at Ironman Amazon Rainforest.

Switching gears, X-Man: What is your opinion on what is going on in Iraq?
I do not follow contemporary geography. In fact, lately I'm living in sort of a bookless, media-free vacuum. I get all my news from Activeness.net. I'm like a triathlon "bubble boy."

What are your greatest regrets?
My greatest regret is that I don't have enough regrets. I'm often too busy living in the far distant future to have regrets about the past. Along those lines, I have great hopes for time travel. When and if that happens, I'd like to bring my bike. You never know if the Softride bikes of the future will be as sweet as they are now. Once I arrive in the future, the first thing I'll do is to seek out Jessi Stensland in San Diego and see how she has aged in all that SoCal sun. Then I can return to the present and decide if I think the two of us have a future.

But you mentioned Mindii before. Are you two in a serious relationship?
Mindii's awesome. She picked up hardware in most of her races this season. She was a beta tester for my Race Hardware Maximizer (RHM) software, and it seemed to work for her. But Mindii is married to the sea.

To the sea? So she's too committed to triathlon to be in a relationship?
Actually, she's married to Cesar — we call him "The C" in my tri club. That's OK. I'm hoping my thing with Jessi works out. Clearly a lot is riding on my potential time travel and her liberal use of sunscreen over these next several years.

You're wearing Rudy Project sunglasses in your Activeness! photo. Do they sponsor you?
Yes, definitely.

What kind of support does Rudy Project give you?
Nothing financial, if that's what you mean. It's more of an intangible, moral support. Money can't buy that.

Will you go back to race Wildflower again next year?
Well, they have finally dropped the lawsuit. That whole scene in the women's changing room was unfortunate. I have a hard time living by the rules, per se. Johnny Depp is a great hero of mine. "Arrgh, I'm a pirate!"

Many Activeness! readers want to know if you are real. Are you?
Try to pass me out on the bike course or in the water and you'll find out how real I am, chump. I'm not currently that strong of a runner because of my PF, ITB, MCL, and tendinitis problems, so I may not seem so real there. But I definitely like to keep it real. And to just chill.

Floyd on Floyd

Floyd Landis' defense slideshow and a supporting video are available for download at floydlandis.com. The photo on his site's banner makes a strong statement.

Rollers

Rollers with no hands and one leg? Wow. Video.

Why We Run Marathons

Thoughtful piece by Anniston (Alabama) Star editor John Fleming.

“Aside from health, the main drive to take on a marathon goes back to our genetic makeup,” says Will Dillard, a professional coach in the Atlanta area. "Our lives have become more comfortable. We don't have to worry about where our next meal is coming from. But something inside of us still wants to know if we can survive if confronted with that kind of challenge.”

A Deactivated T-Shirt

I don't have any Iron friends who would even consider wearing this obnoxious shirt. Even our occasionally blustery but always well-intentioned friend Anonymous Racer X understands that "the greatest braggarts are usually the biggest cowards." (Jean Jacques Rousseau)

BBC News on Triathlon

"The flip side of America's obesity epidemic is its fitness obsession." BBC News Magazine story.

"We're Going Streaking"

Cold, wind, rain, snow. I hate it. Yes, the offseason can make us all a little crazy. Every now and then, you just have to jump off the treadmill or bike trainer and run naked along the interstate.

If "Bicycling Is the New Golf..."

If "bicycling is the new golf," as the New York Times Style section tells us, then I'm ditching my Softride and taking up extreme ski-parachuting. Today.

Yeah, and workout dehydration is the new dinner party hangover. Accelerade is the new single malt Scotch. Timex is the new Rolex. Barfing from kicking it home to the finish line is the new bulimia. Jessi is the new Paris. Lukewarm water from a farmhouse hose is the new Perrier. Lycra is the new Louis Vuitton. GU is the new caviar. Ironman is the new Club Med. The race campground is the new Ritz. A 10K PR is the new par. Bullshit is the new sincerity. Switching training partners is the new affair. Titanium is the new fur. Bloody nipples are the new nipple rings. A tri jersey is the new sweater vest. A trunk full of Gatorade is the new wine cellar. Nike is the new Nike. Slow is the new fast. Deactivated is the new Activated. The New York Times Style section is the new bird cage liner. Novice cyclists who drop $20K on two new custom-made road bikes and say "they become like pets" are the new ...?

Later,
Racer X
(Thanks SoozeyQ)

Mile Markers by Kristin Armstrong

Kristin "Kik" Armstrong, ex-wife of Lance, has a Runner's World blog.

Hidden Heart Risks for Marathoners?

FOA Ryan passes along a link to a Bloomberg story on research indicating that marathon running may pose a heart risk for men age 50 or over. Running 26.2 miles never feels healthy and I don't recommend it to people who ask. But the lifestyle and discipline marathon running demands of participants who stay with it over time would seem to provide plenty of health benefits that outweigh the risk of heart troubles during a single race. So do all the training but don't race the full distance? Based on how 2006 has gone, I'm on my way.

Sharing the Charter Haterade

FOA Marshall shares our hate of Charter Communications, even comparing it to a killer toad:

Thank you for deactivating them seven times at once. Charter is the nation's 3rd or 4th largest operator and they lose billions of dollars every year. They have bitten off more than they can chew, to say the least. They remind me of a killer Cane toad I saw on the Nature Channel (on Charter digital cable, of course). I think it was on 'The Most X-treme,' where this toad will eat anything it sees, even canniballize its own kin, who are larger than it, in one bite.

Mmm...Puffy Penguin Omelets

I believe that "The Penguin," John Bingham, has been writing a Runner's World column for at least 6-7 years. I don't know exactly when he started, and being in touch with my "inner penguin" empowers me to not break a sweat trying too hard to be accurate. He may even have submitted the same column 84 times—it seems that way but I can't be sure. Anyway, after all these years, The Penguin has waddled across an amazingly insightful revelation — possibly even an epiphany. From his latest column:

"I now see that it is possible to increase your speed or increase your distance without losing sight of the essential pleasure of running."

Ponder that, peeps. It's a whole new world. Waddle on.

Race Report: Tyler Hamilton's Wild Ride at the Silverman Ironman Triathlon

Tyler Hamilton rode the cycling leg of the Silverman Ironman Triathlon in Henderson, Nevada, as part of a relay team attempting to break eight hours in order to collect $100,000. He did his part, completing the tough, hilly, 112-mile course in 4:33. And then his team's runner, Kenyan Ernest Kimeli, bonked when he looked to be in good shape to easily take the team under eight hours — and there went the 100 large. Here's Tyler's classy report on xtri.com.

Disco Basso

Multimillion dollar DNA risk or next Tour champion?


Photo by Graham Watson.

From Borderline Diabetic to Ironman

In 2003, Greg Smith, 36, weighed more than 300 pounds. On November 4, he completed Ironman Florida in less than 14 hours.

Top 10 Permanently Deactivated Companies

An update to my Hall of Fame of permanently Deactivated companies:

1. McDonald's (using toys, playgrounds, clowns, and advertising to addict kids to food that can kill them)
2. Charter Communications (ineptitude)
3. Charter Communications (arrogance)
4. Charter Communications (vindictiveness)
5. Charter Communications (maliciousness)
6. Charter Communications (incompetence)
7. Charter Communications (near-monopoly)
8. Charter Communications (awful tech support and worse customer service)
9. Blockbuster Video (accused me of not returning "Collateral" — a so-so movie that should be in NOBODY's home library — and, to recover its paltry $20, turned loose an aggressive bill collector)
10. National Tire and Battery (tried to sell me an alternator I didn't need)

The St. Louis Post-Dispatch's Tech Talk columnist had an especially lousy experience with Charter.

Charter recently sent me a sappy Norman Rockwellish greeting card wishing me all the best. The message: "Thank you for your business and if you ever have any questions or problems, please just call us." Of course the card didn't include a phone number. And they didn't mention that you'll need to call 10 different people in 10 different countries at 10 different times and that, in the end, not one of the 10 people on the other end of the phone or the 10 technicians who visit your home will be able to resolve your problem or care that they can't. They're so bad it's hard for me to believe Charter is a real company. Are we being punk'd? Is Ashton Kutcher the CEO? By the way, this site currently (but not for long) is fueled by a Charter connection, so if I disappear you'll know that ...

Things One Guy Doesn't Really Need to Say to Another in the Weight Room, Parts 42 and 43

42. "You look like you could do a lot of situps."

43. "I think you've gained some weight since I last saw you but it looks great."

Basso Dances Over to Disco

Other cycling teams aren't happy that the Discovery Channel team co-owned by Lance Armstrong has signed Ivan Basso, long thought to be Armstrong's heir apparent atop the Tour de France podium. CSC team manager Bjarne Riis says the world's top teams had agreed not to hire any of the riders involved in the Operación Puerto investigation. And I don't think the Italian fans will like this. Maybe Disco can bring in Jan Ullrich, too. Also, Floyd Landis is a free agent. ...

Racer X: Mexican Adventure

My trip to Mexico to sell my Race Hardware Maximizer (RHM) software was a bust, in more ways than one.

I got detained at the border, probably because I look like a Navy Seal. To keep my physical temple in peak condition, I always travel with my Ziploc bags of Accelerade. Border Patrol thought the powdery substance was of the illegal type.

I figured the Federales would have me out of there once the powder was tested. Instead, I spent a week in the Mexican clink. Every few hours, a few guys would point at me, admiring me, from outside the holding cell and say things like "fuerte" and "mucho gusto".

My Mexican business contacts were no help and I heard they decided to buy shares in trainingpeaks.com instead.

I made good use of my time in jail, resurrecting the core exercises that Courtenay showed me at the gym last winter. Once the guards drank all my Accelerade, they let me go free.

I'm back home now and my abs feel really strong.

Karnazes Takes the Long Way Home

Dean Karnazes has decided to run home from New York City:

"Today is the most liberating, terrifying, exciting, and confusing day of my life. I am walking out of a hotel room in New York City, and running west. Why west? Because that is the direction of my house in San Francisco. Yes, I am running home from the New York City Marathon, the final marathon of the Endurance 50, across the country back to my house."

My first reaction was that Dean is jumping the shark with this one. But my next feeling was, "Why not?" If Dean can make it work for his family and his finances — and can physically pull it off — then it makes more sense to me than sitting in a cubicle for 40 hours a week. So...go Dean! Keep writing your life's next chapter and inspiring others to run.

Here's a trailer for the Endurance 50 documentary coming next spring:

New York Marathon 2006 Times for Celebrities Not Named Lance

NBC's Natalie Morales: 3:31:41
Food Network personality Bobby Flay: 4:10:56
Olympic gold-medal gymnast Shannon Miller: 4:17:46
Ex-New York Ranger hockey player Adam Graves: 4:29:29
Forty-six-year-old model Kim Alexis, who once said, "I would rather exercise than read a newspaper.": 4:39:48
Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee, who has lost 110 lbs.: 5:33:42

Christ Helps Sick NYC Marathon Runner

Race spectator and good samaritan Trudy Christ helped elite Kenyan runner Titus Munji after he dropped out of Sunday's marathon with stomach problems.

Armstrong Meets New York City Marathon Goal

Is anyone surprised that Lance Armstrong had the willpower to achieve his goal of running New York in under three hours? When I flipped on NBC's New York Marathon highlights show and saw Armstrong shuffling along and wearing the mask of pain in the last mile, it was clear that the "this sucks" light bulb had switched on and I wondered what he'd have to say about marathons. Here's the quote:

"For the level of conditioning I have now, that was without a doubt the hardest physical thing I ever did, from triathlons to cycling," Armstrong said, after limping up a rampway. "Even the worst days on the Tours (de France), nothing was as hard as that and nothing left me feeling like that in terms of fatigue and soreness."

New York Daily News story.
Newsday story.
Armstrong photos.
New York Times Marathon coverage.
Dean Karnazes ran New York, his 50th marathon in 50 days, in 3:00:30.

Nice "LANCE" number on his bib. I'm going to request an "Activeness!" number next year.

Diesel Does Ironman Wisconsin (2002)!

In the early-1990s, The Diesel and I — friends from high school who had reconnected after continuously bumping into each other at local 10Ks — hopped on our mountain bikes and began training for triathlons. By the winter of 2001, we decided we had paid our dues over thousands of miles of swimming, biking, and running and signed up for the inaugural Ironman Wisconsin. One chilly December night, while drinking Bud Light and watching Monday Night Football, we plotted out a training plan for breaking 12 hours.

About a month later, my health went awry and I was done for the year. But the Diesel steamed on, doing his long workouts all summer with a new guy on the scene: Activeness' JPD. That September, JPD and I cruised up to Wisconsin to watch the Diesel hammer through the 140.6-mile Madison course. And he did, easily breaking 12 hours and earning a retroactive, "You have been Activated."

Once every four years, I like to deliver the videos I've promised friends. So, finally, here it is. Sorry for the jerky camera work and shoddy editing — you may want to break out the Dramamine. Watch for special cameos from JPD, FOA Sami, and race winner Chris Lieto.

I Finally Found True Love

And Mindii is pretty cool, too.

Later,
Racer X

New York City Marathon 2006

For the low, low price of just $4.99, you can watch the ING New York City Marathon live on Sunday (or see a replay on demand) over at NBCSports.com. Viewers will have exclusive access to the 'LanceCam,' a dedicated camera that will follow Lance Armstrong as he runs the marathon (Activeness!Cam has been disabled, as I have deferred my race entry until next year.).

Armstrong has lined up an all-star team of pacers to help with his marathon debut. Alberto Salazar, Joan Benoit Samuelson, and Hicham El Guerrouj will take turns attempting to keep Lance at a 7-minute-per-mile pace.

A Boulder Daily Camera columnist tries to guess Lance's finishing time. Predictions range from 2:40-3:30.

The New York Times reports that this year's race participants will receive a SpongeBob cap in their goody bags. Karen Driscoll, SVP for strategic marketing at Nickelodeon, utters the ridiculous quote of the week: "SpongeBob is the eternal optimist."

Ultra-Dean Karnazes will be in New York City for marathon #50. Activated.

A Running Times columnist would like people to focus less on completing a marathon and notice that competitive American marathoners are getting faster. "It is time to place emphasis on the finish line rather than finishing." Two Americans — Meb Keflezighi and Deena Kastor — have an excellent chance to win in New York.

"I Remember When I Was So Strong"

We all fight various aches and maladies during our workouts. The next time I start to complain, I'll try to remember this note from a 40-year-old friend diagnosed with multiple sclerosis (MS) a year ago. Just a few years earlier, she had earned a Black Belt in Tae Kwon Do. Now she's having trouble walking and taking care of her kids. She writes:

"I rode the bike yesterday for 10 minutes and I was done. It makes me sad. I remember when I was so strong. It's amazing what we take for granted until we lose it."

Activeness! Buys Google

We finally found something to do with that $150 billion this blog has generated from Google text ads. Anonymous Racer X wanted to waste it all on Hummers, Softrides, hyperbaric chambers, Endless Pools, NASCAR and Godsmack tickets, parachute pants, and mail-order brides, but JPD and I convinced him otherwise. Introducing our new site.

2007 Tour de France Route

Hope they decide who won in 2006 before the 2007 race begins. Course analysis.

Gorillas in Her Midst

FOA Jamie shares pictures from last weekend's Denver Gorilla Run.