A Candid Interview With Anonymous Racer X

You are nearing your 100th attempted triathlon. How will you commemorate reaching the century mark?
I plan to play "Celebration" on my boombox in the transition area as I lick alcohol-free champagne off Mindii's navel. Then we'll go to Appleby's for a nutritious early lunch. Sort of like a brunch.

How important has good nutrition been to your success as a triathlete?
That's like asking how important drugs have been to the comedic stylings of Andy Dick or to the musical genius that is Courtney Love. Or how important Scooby Snacks were to Scooby Doo in solving mysteries. Gotta feed the engine, man. It's inevitable.

A lot of people have noticed that you immediately eat all your leftover GUs and energy bars after every race.
Yes. There are people starving in the world, which I just hate. So I can't, in good conscience, waste food. Ever.

As part of your your 100 attempted races, you have 67 DNFs. Two words: What happened?
If I could abolish one phrase from the parlance of the triathlon world, it would be "DNF." Did not finish. Sorry, but... isn't it worse not to even start than not to finish? I mean, anyone can not start. It takes a special mentality to get off the couch and absorb 67 near-successes. And if you don't understand that, then you might as well stay on the couch. Why am I even talking to you? Go back to the couch!

A lot of people noticed you didn't wear shoes or socks during the entire Ironman Florida race. Why not?
Great question. It started back at Ironman Korea, when, to conserve time, I did not put on socks in the swim-bike transition. I ended up saving about 30 seconds with that little move in T1. And I would have PR'ed on the bike if it weren't for the blisters I got on my feet at mile 85. But, the point is, without socks, I didn't feel right about wearing my cycling or running shoes. I'm sure you'd agree that shoes and socks pretty much go together. So you can see I had no choice but to go barefoot in Florida.


Anonymous Racer X encounters trouble on the bike at Ironman Amazon Rainforest.

Switching gears, X-Man: What is your opinion on what is going on in Iraq?
I do not follow contemporary geography. In fact, lately I'm living in sort of a bookless, media-free vacuum. I get all my news from Activeness.net. I'm like a triathlon "bubble boy."

What are your greatest regrets?
My greatest regret is that I don't have enough regrets. I'm often too busy living in the far distant future to have regrets about the past. Along those lines, I have great hopes for time travel. When and if that happens, I'd like to bring my bike. You never know if the Softride bikes of the future will be as sweet as they are now. Once I arrive in the future, the first thing I'll do is to seek out Jessi Stensland in San Diego and see how she has aged in all that SoCal sun. Then I can return to the present and decide if I think the two of us have a future.

But you mentioned Mindii before. Are you two in a serious relationship?
Mindii's awesome. She picked up hardware in most of her races this season. She was a beta tester for my Race Hardware Maximizer (RHM) software, and it seemed to work for her. But Mindii is married to the sea.

To the sea? So she's too committed to triathlon to be in a relationship?
Actually, she's married to Cesar — we call him "The C" in my tri club. That's OK. I'm hoping my thing with Jessi works out. Clearly a lot is riding on my potential time travel and her liberal use of sunscreen over these next several years.

You're wearing Rudy Project sunglasses in your Activeness! photo. Do they sponsor you?
Yes, definitely.

What kind of support does Rudy Project give you?
Nothing financial, if that's what you mean. It's more of an intangible, moral support. Money can't buy that.

Will you go back to race Wildflower again next year?
Well, they have finally dropped the lawsuit. That whole scene in the women's changing room was unfortunate. I have a hard time living by the rules, per se. Johnny Depp is a great hero of mine. "Arrgh, I'm a pirate!"

Many Activeness! readers want to know if you are real. Are you?
Try to pass me out on the bike course or in the water and you'll find out how real I am, chump. I'm not currently that strong of a runner because of my PF, ITB, MCL, and tendinitis problems, so I may not seem so real there. But I definitely like to keep it real. And to just chill.