Compulsive Blogger Admits Triathlon Might Not Hold Meaning of Life After All

From The Triathlonion, September 19, 2006

CHARLOTTE, NC—After three years of daily blogging to a global audience of hundreds about his transformed life as a back-of-the pack age-group triathlete, mortgage loan officer Art Dunbar has decided to retire from the sport. Dunbar acknowledged that he recently came to the startling realization that his adopted sport did not actually hold the meaning of life after all.

“It's like my goggles have de-fogged and my eyes are seeing for the first time. At the end of the day, I wasn’t feeling all that spiritual or fulfilled,” admitted the 38-year-old Dunbar. “Mostly I was sleepy. And I kind of always smelled like chlorine. I was beginning to wonder if Nietzsche was on to something.”

“Personally, the whole swim, then bike, then run race order seemed overly-rigid,” continued Dunbar. “Sometimes I would feel like doing the run first so I could get hot and sweaty and in the mood for a refreshing swim. But I just felt like expressing that sort of individuality would be frowned upon by the race organizers. It was frustrating.”

Dunbar, who managed to overcome seven “DNFs” while competing six short-course triathlons over the past three years, noted that it will be nice to re-introduce himself to his kids.

“The twins are four now and the triplets just turned six, so these truly are the wonder years,” he said. “I don’t want to miss any more Sunday afternoons in their lives because I'm out hammering a brick. Really, enough is enough.”

Marie Dunbar, his ex-wife, says she's excited to have her celebrity ex back in the fold. “Sometimes Randy and I just feel like getting at it and staying in bed all day on Sunday, if you know what I mean. If Art can take the kids off our hands for a few hours, then we can really get down. It’s all good.”

What about the legions of fellow tri-bloggers and readers who will be deprived of Dunbar’s excruciatingly detailed posts on everything ranging from his ill-fated attempts to change a flat without breaking down in tears to his persistent stomach troubles during long runs on mornings after he had dined on Mexican food?

“I’ll miss BottomUpMan, IronSteel, SteelIron, Trianddoit2meharder, Pleasejustri4JesusSistah, ONoUDontEvenTri2StopMeFool, and all my other tri-blogging friends, but they’re strong," Dunbar said. "Regular mortals simply don’t realize the kind of passion and courage it takes to head out on a 3-mile run after a 20-mile bike ride. And these special folks are doing that almost weekly. They will continue to utterly and totally rock.”

“He couldn't quite master the art of peeing on the bike — you sure never wanted to ride behind him — and he didn’t always make it to the finish line,” said SteelIron via email, “but Art always started on time. There’s a lot to be said for punctuality in this sport. We’ll miss him in the tri blogosphere, yet this is more proof that life is just one big transition area.”

So, what’s next for the quixotic Dunbar?

“I’m going to give online Texas Hold'em a whirl,” he said. “And I’m playing in three different fantasy football leagues this fall. If that doesn’t bring purpose to my life, I’ve got my eye on golf. It would be cool to play right through a rainstorm and then tell the rest of my foursome that, ‘I bring my own weather with me.’ They’ll probably never have heard of Faris Al-Sultan, so I won't even have to attribute the quote.”