Anonymous Racer X: Hello, OnStar

This also appears in the February issue of SwimBikeRun St. Louis Magazine, banned by the International Olympic Committee as an illegal performance-enhancing publication.

OnStar: Hello, OnStar.
Racer X: I'm trying to get home but I just realized I passed my highway exit 10 miles ago!
OnStar: Are you drunk?
Racer X: No! I just rode my bike for six hours in Columbia and I'm toast. My brain is fried.
OnStar: Sir, did you hydrate well? Salt tabs? Sports drink? And gels and bars? WHAT WAS YOUR NUTRITION PLAN?
Racer X: Is that really important now? How do I get home?
OnStar: Sir, I'm showing that the gels and salt tabs never made it out of your backseat cooler.
Racer X: Please get me home, OnStar. Last time I was this late my girlfriend stuck a steak knife into my new Ironman Stealth Wetsuit!
OnStar: I'm dispatching a state trooper to administer some lemon-lime Accelerade and guide you home.
Racer X: Thank you, OnStar!
OnStar: I've also notified your tri club of your bonk. It's totally a newbie move.
Racer X: Damn you, OnStar!